jobhaver:

jobhaver:

you: that is a nice ass shirt

me: thank you but, to be honest, its called “pants” and not an “ass shirt”

thanks for enjoying this joke, everyone

hotcoins:

kids: where does the sun go at night? 

me: where ever the fuck it wants, who the fuck are you 

anactualangel:

When the shampoo girl is washing your hair and you have to hold your big ass head up by your neck…. THAT is a test of emotional and physical strength.

speedlimit15:

*pronounces “hors d’oeuvres” as “horse divorce”*

coolhandofagirl:

security called me at work today and told me they saw me outside chasing a frog around on the security cameras. i wasnt in trouble they just wanted to let me know they saw me. i didn’t catch him.

classifiedluke:

drunk, best friend Mikey admitting: “you know, I really fucking adore you” as you two lay on the apartment roof at 3am, watching the stars as some cars pass by and the crickets chirp, and then he starts to confess every detail he loves about you and how only you could help him forget about the worries in his life for the time being when he’s with you

harmonizingly:

The people who come running to hug you after you haven’t seen them in awhile are my favorite type of people.

fuckerluke:

when they brought harry on stage michael asked him who’s guitar he wanted to play out of his and luke’s and in like 2 seconds luke pointed to michael’s and was like “play his. his is cooler” aka this is MINE. MY GUITAR. MY PROPERTY. ONLY I WILL TOUCH. PLAY MICHAEL’S. THIS IS M I N E 

lukes-penguinn:

tHE best response to “whos ur favorite member of 5sos” from halsey “depends on the day because they’re all so annoying” because yes same

leafcrunch:

*enters my own password* i’m in

eggzaki:

fileformat:

eggzakery:

my kink is bein friendly and havin a good time

mine is bondage

thanks

lesmiserabelles:

i always hate it when job interviewers ask “how would your friends describe you?” because i doubt that answering “gay dog nerd” would secure me a career

naturemetaltolkien:

English is a difficult language.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

fuckerluke:

“jack and alex called calums phone and michael answered” this gets me going this builds up my blood pressure i cant believe malum are a married couple

j4ya:

nickelbackthatassup:

literally Starbucks keeps releasing drinks on social media and not communicating it to employees so people are coming in like can I have a cupcake frappuccino and im like who are you what the fuck are you talking about

#me and my coworkers are like #*spins wheel* just put vanilla in it